I actually don’t know how long I can hold on. I really don’t.
[sin • thee • uh]
2. The moon personified as a goddess
Fuck, I don’t like this.
I like spending time with myself every now and then. Not having to worry about anything or anyone else… Don’t get to do that very often anymore.
Yeah, I think I’m going shopping Friday. LOL
HAPPY ONE YEAR, BABY :)
Thank you for everything and more. This is one of the best risks I have taken in life so far and I am so glad to have you by my side. I know you are going through a rough time right now with your surgery and all, but I hope I can at least alleviate some of that pain. People always say that the best type of relationship is where the couple grow together, and I think that’s exactly what we have. We have both grown so much ever since we first met, and we have accepted each other’s changes day after day. I know relationships may come and go, but you will always have a special place in my heart no matter what happens because you are the person who taught me how I am capable of being a strong and independent woman, while still able to love and be loved at the same time. I know I’m typically the one who “hates” cheesy things, but bear with my cheese for now.
I love you and I hope for even better times to come for us. ♥
And then a little bit of “almost done”… but it feels so good to finally be able to breathe.
Just waiting for this week to be over… Almost there. Almost.
“just… be a little better to yourself today, okay?”
Lol, my mom makes me sound like I typically treat myself horribly or something. It’s such a stressful day though. I have no idea how to treat myself “better”, really :(
On the bright side (or not), apparently I lost over 5 lbs ever since I came back from Spring Break. I guess all the work and worrying has been making me lose my apetite. And I guess I just can’t always find the time to sit down and eat a meal without having to do something else at the same time. And not having the time to sleep much/well probably has some correlation to it. Sigh, why are the few weeks right after Spring Break always the most stressful?
Happy birthday to me though… I’m happy to be where I am and who I am today. I should treat myself “a little better” from now on :)
Why is it 30 some degrees and still SNOWING when we are approaching the end of March already? What is this -_____-“
so stressed :(
I can handle 2 sessions of 50 minute Pilates every week but 1 session of 90 minute Pilates—in addition to the 2 sessions earlier this week—makes my body wanna CRYYY.
WHY DO ALL STRESS COME AT ME AT THE SAME TIME?!
It’s been a while since I wrote about anything substantial. Actually, that’s not true. There was one entry not too long ago. I saved it as a draft… and two days ago, decided to delete it. It wasn’t relevant anymore. And that’s weird, I thought. Something I wrote maybe a few months ago wasn’t relevant anymore… Do we really change that fast? Do situations really turn around that quickly? It’s scary. What we know today might not be true a few weeks, or maybe even days, after.
Please excuse the mess that I look like in the picture above. I just like attaching my pic to a post every now and then to keep track of changes. I mean, I hope I didn’t change that drastically physically… Because the only change will probably be signs of aging then. -.-“
I went into the office that I will be working for post-graduation a little over a week ago. Wow, has it only been a week? It feels like forever ago because ever since then, I have been thinking non-stop about my life after college. There’s a lot to think about, a lot to consider, a lot to decide on. A lot more than I expected. Even though the offer was secured since the end of last summer, I don’t think it has hit me that I will be graduating soon and starting a new life until I physically went in this time. It was so overwhelming. The office went through so many changes, including intense internal restructuring. My previous manager is in charge of a different team now, two of the team members I used to worked with was fired, one switched to a different team, and another left the company. There are only two people I know from the summer who are still on the same team as me. I sat down with my soon-to-be manager and the director above her to chat. Two words: information overload. Apparently, my role has a lot more added on to it now. Which is okay, because I actually like this new role better. And it was nice to hear that I gained a lot of approvals from different managers in the office this previous summer. The two told me the path they want me to follow in the company, in terms of growth and development. And I am so down. It sounds great. It sounds wonderful. But the amount of work I know I would have to do in order to step into that role… It just feels like I would be stepping into a battlefield every single day. Okay, maybe not a battlefield because technically I’m not competing with anyone, but it will still be me struggling to prove myself and my capabilities every single day. And that’s rough. That’s what I had to do this past summer and it was okay because I knew the internship would end eventually, that it was only for 10 weeks. But this time when I start working, there is no end that I can foresee. Last summer, I started having night terrors and had difficulty with my digestive system. So what’s going to happen now, when it gets even tougher? I hope I can do this. I hope I can survive. I hope I get to where I want to be.
And us. Oh baby, what about us? That has been the lingering question that both of us try to bury in the back of our minds, hasn’t it? We try to keep it hidden, hoping that by avoiding it everything will be fine. But I can’t help but think about it more and more now. I don’t think I’ve gone a day without thinking about it these past 2 weeks. I know that neither of us will let go unless something has gone wrong or, as you said, “if something horrible happens”. We are both not the type to leave without a proper reason to, and graduation is definitely not a good enough reason. But I can already sense the “good reasons” to come our way… And as of now, I really don’t know what I want, what’s good for me, for us. I’m going to be starting a new life and adjusting to a new lifestyle. Will having you by my side make the transition easier because while everything else around me is changing, at least you are the same? Or will it add even more difficulty to my life because not only do I have to adjust myself to this new life/lifestyle of mine, but I also have to adjust to our new lifestyle together too? Should I make sure I am settled into my new life before I bring someone else into it with me? Am I capable of dragging you along this transitional phase with me? Would you be bothered by all these changes in me and in my life? Can we keep each other happy? Can this relationship? How are we going to do this… I really don’t know.
I can’t see us together. Maybe it’s because I have been avoiding planning anything in the future with something that’s still uncertain in my mind. But I also can’t see myself finding someone else who would be better to me than you. The only thing I can see is myself being… by myself. Just me. Single? I’m not sure. But just me and no one else. And maybe that’s how I need to plan everything right now. Without any expectations, without any hopes.
I’ve asked myself a lot of questions. About breaking up, about guys in general. And it’s weird… I can’t see myself being broken-hearted for a guy anymore. And by broken hearted, I mean that devastating, helpless feeling I used to feel for breakups. I remember how I used to feel like I couldn’t live without a certain guy, or I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if a guy left me. Nope, not anymore. I know perfectly what I would do, what I should do, if a breakup comes along. I could be perfectly fine if a guy is no longer by my side. I guess that’s what being independent means, right? I never thought I could feel this way, actually. The feeling that I myself is a complete individual no matter what happens, that no guy can break me or my heart into pieces, into feeling like I am nothing. My life isn’t dependent on whether or not a guy loves me, whether or not he wants to be with me, anymore. It makes me feel kind of… invincible.
Is it scary for a guy to hear that? Baby, does it scare you? It scares me… because I feel like it would be scary for someone who loves me to hear that. I’m scared you will think of me differently if you hear this. You might feel like I have no heart, like I’m a horrible monster. But I don’t want anyone to confuse what I just said with thinking that I can’t/don’t love anymore. It’s taken me all my life so far to finally figure out that love and dependency are two totally different entities. I love, I love so much baby. I have always loved with my heart and soul. I don’t believe in reservations when it comes to love. And by now, I already know that you will always have a spot in my heart and an important place in my life. And I want you to know that I treasure you so much. It constantly comes to my head how grateful and thankful I am to have you in my life, making an effort to stay by my side no matter what troubles come our way. I am so happy to be with you. I feel so blessed. You are a miracle in my life.
But loving doesn’t mean unable to live, unable to function without someone. I will never again be the girl who hides under the covers, crying in bed all day because a guy just broke up with her. The girl who wants to run away from the world that she lives in and abandoning all that she knows just because a guy leaving her is too painful to bear. I will never be the girl who can’t bring herself up just because a guy brought her down. Never. Again.
I will miss the person who leaves my side. I will think about you, I will wish you were here, I will feel lonely, and I will be sad… But give me some time, and I will also be okay.
I hope you are proud of this girl that I have became, this woman that I am becoming. Because this is the product of countless hurting and mistakes. I hope within this mass of scars, you find something beautiful worth cherishing.
Apparently, my boyfriend says I’m a mixture of Winter, Spring, and Autumn. Interesting that Summer is the only one left out. Because back in the days, before college and all, Summer is the season almost everyone associated me with.